Complexity
by ilikeanimeandmanga
Summary: It's easy to imagine how Lindsay would have reacted to Sam's death, but perhaps there's a lot more to her feelings than she would ever dare admit to anyone.


This is so stupid, I can't believe this is happening.

It's all Sykes' fault, she's the reason that Sam's dead. Why she'd save Psycho is beyond me, if anything she should have saved someone who, you know, was worth saving.

What? It's the truth, she's whacked up. She's from a crazy family, so it's obvious that she was better off dead. She would never survive out there with the way she is now.

So what if that makes me a bitch? I'd rather be a bitch than a psycho, it's not my fault my friends and I have all the good stuff and everyone else at school is beneath us. That's just how life is, you can't do anything about it. You can't expect me to immediately feel sorry for some messed up freak who wanted to end her life after being mean to her for a long time? She's already messed up to begin with.

Hey, we really didn't do anything wrong, it's not our fault. Why do so many people insist on looking at us as if we committed a crime when Sykes was the one who wanted to kill herself? Sykes was also the one that made Sam run out of that road and get by that car just to save her.

Why else do you think I hate her? She's a freak, a loser just like anyone else at school who isn't good enough to be popular like us. We, well mostly I to be more precise, just make it much more obvious with her about why she's worthless and unwanted.

Yes, that's all there is to it. Don't bug me about it anymore!

...Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. I can honestly say that neither Sam, Ally, nor Elody have a genuine reason for hating Sykes like I do, they pretty much mostly but it's not like I plan on telling them or anything. They didn't need to know about our...history from years back. Because even now I still can't understand why.

Why did she still keep it a secret? Why didn't she tell anyone who really wet the sleeping bag at camp, who the _real_ Mellow Yellow was? Why for all of the years of torment I've put her through she _still_ refused to say anything? So what if she was an outcast by then? Even if it's likely that no one would believe her, there's also that possibility that someone could use that against me to try and jeopardize my reputation. At the very least, I might have been a little proud of her, maybe actually include her as one of us, make just like in the old days, back when we were the very best of friends.

But nope, she was too loyal, even when I spread the rumors about she still kept her mouth shut. And all those years later...it just didn't stop like I thought it would. How was I suppose to know that it wouldn't? Don't ask me why I did it, even now I still can't figure out why I didn't stop when I should have.

Of course, none of this would have happened if I didn't have that bed-wetting problem in the first place. If Mom and Dad hadn't been fighting so much I wouldn't have spend my time being stressed to the point where I pee in my bed at night, I should be too old for that kind of nonsense so why did it happen to me? Why did they have to separate, why did Dad have to leave, why did Mom remarry a man who's more interested in buying my love than actually trying to earn it? Why did she stop bothering to know what goes on in my life? Did she really not care that much anymore?

Uh, this is so messed up! I hate Dad for leaving us without a word, no phone-calls, texts, or e-mails whatsoever. I hate Mom for not actually trying to put in the effort of actually being a mother to me, teaching me the things that probably would have helped me a long time ago or trying to know more about what I've been up to. I hate that driver for driving the car that crashed into and killed Sam that night of the party. And I most definitely hate Sykes for trying to kill herself and instead got Sam killed.

But...

I hate myself the most. I just had that need to look tough in front of everyone, that I wouldn't take crap from anybody, whether they were classmates, teachers, anybody really. I had to act like I didn't care that my actions hurt anyone that I come across, anything to keep anyone from finding out who I truly am besides the image of the bitchy popular girl. My friends...they were all the closest thing I had to a family and even that didn't stop me from being critical towards them at times. Not exactly near how I treat everyone else, but still mean regardless, I'll admit that.

Now, I've lost both of my best friends. I still had Ally and Elody, but they just didn't have the qualities that Sam had in filling the best friend slot. Making Sy...Juliet's life a living hell doesn't seem so fun anymore. Seeing her is a big fat reminder of how everything that has happened to both her and Sam no thanks to what I've done; I did many horrible things and Sam ended up paying the price for it. I'm still popular, but that's all I really have to validate my existence. Someone who, despite what most people think I don't know, many people don't really like or care about. In fact, the whole accident pretty much gave them more reason to hate me even more. But what can I do? I've worked hard to be the most popular girl for so long, it's all I know how to be. All I can do is keep on pretending to be what I'm really not.

Even now I still wonder, would things have been different I wasn't the way I am now? Would Sam still be alive and Juliet still be my first best friend? Would I be as fearful of people finding out what a big, fat phony I was as I am now?

I really miss Sam...she was probably the one person I could have trusted with all my life and could confide my secrets to...if I actually had the courage to do so. She was a better person than I could ever be, not that I'd ever admit it out loud. I think I should have.

I'd never thought I'd also say this in a million years but...I miss Juliet too. I missed all the fun times we had when we were still friends and sometimes I wish things can go back the way it was. It's too late for that now.

...I don't want to think about it anymore.

Just...leave me alone.

* * *

 **AN:** After finishing and skimming some pages of Lauren Oliver's _Before I Fall_ , I've thought long and hard about the message the novel was conveying about how there's more to people than we think we know about them and I think I could identify that message the most with Lindsay.

Because as horrible of a person as Lindsay is, and she's definitely not someone I want as a friend, I don't think she's downright evil. Just someone who is bitter and troubled from problems at home that happened early on in her childhood, and refuses to acknowledge her own problems to anyone. While I don't hate or dislike her, the novel helped me understand why she acts the way she does. It's too bad we don't get to see Lindsay's character development like we did with Sam.


End file.
